tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-970466375314795912024-02-08T07:43:57.522+11:00Stitching and Needling, with some cookery on the sideSanity through domesticitySarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03589211988263088628noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-97046637531479591.post-70720659000295310422015-01-31T22:33:00.001+11:002015-01-31T22:33:18.969+11:00Giving InParanoia and delusion have plagued me for as long as I can remember. Being convinced that your friends don't actually like you is no fun, and being petrified - to the point of physical illness - that every invitation to do anything is actually some big joke they're playing on you and no-one will be there when you turn up, well thats no cup of tea either.<br />
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While I've mostly managed to get over those thoughts, the low self esteem that goes with them is harder to get over. This manifests in a variety of ways (and while the relative lack of mirrors in the house makes fitting clothing difficult, it is also somewhat of a relief that I can easily avoid seeing myself), but one of the big ones is belief that nothing I do is very good, regardless of what people tell me. Letting people see anything I'm making - sewing, knitting, painting, embroidery, writing, even writing myself lists of household chores - is incredibly difficult, and there have been many times when I've immediately given up whatever I'm doing as soon as someone catches sight of it. Completely irrational, I'm well aware.<br />
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I can't stop those thoughts, but I <i>can</i> choose to ignore them, and do things I enjoy anyway, especially if other people seem to enjoy what I've done, too. It is hard. Its is <i>very</i> hard. But it is possible. I can also choose to say "thank you" instead of insisting that they are wrong. Thats harder, but I'm working on it.<br />
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Both my mother, and some friends, have asked me to paint for them. I love painting. It is soothing, and distracting, and allows me to retreat into my introvert's bubble without offending anyone. Embroidery is similar, and I pretty much view it as painting with needle and thread, but I really enjoy proper painting, with a paintbrush and liquid colour. Being able to change the colours as I go is almost magical, and painting over mistakes is much easier than unpicking stitches.<br />
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My mother's painting is taking a long time. I keep finding flaws, and putting it aside before I do something stupid like ripping the canvas or painting over it with black and starting again. When I go back to it after a couple of days, I either do not notice the flaws that riled me up so much, or I find I am easily able to fix them and continue. Most importantly, she loves it.<br />
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The amount of praise my friends' painting received was almost distressing, and definitely embarrassing, but I am glad to have been able to help them out, and in the end I am actually fairly pleased with the results, and they were thrilled, so thats great. I'm also impressed with how easy house paint is to work with. I generally use acrylics, but the texture of house paint vs. artists paint is quite different. I prefer artists paint, but the results from house paint were entirely reasonable. Working on such a large scale was interesting, too.<br />
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I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to take a compliment easily, or be feel entirely comfortable sharing my work with other people, but feeling joy in creation, and seeing joy on other's faces at the things I make is worth it in the long run, I think. And despite myself I have to admit that it's kinda fun to know that so many people will see something I've made, which I think is a step in the right direction.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03589211988263088628noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-97046637531479591.post-3089673423549706992015-01-06T10:29:00.000+11:002015-01-06T10:29:06.969+11:00Starting FreshI've nuked it. Its all gone. Well.. reverted to draft, anyway. I'll still read over my old stuff, since it helps me remember, but no-one else will see it.<br />
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This little blog of mine has existed in some form or another since 2007. Sometimes I posted a lot, sometimes not so much. Last year, I made one post.<br />
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Last year was crap.<br />
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I was not as over my miscarriage or the death of our puppy as I thought, and then the man's father passed away. The depression I'd been holding at bay for years finally broke through, and things went downhill fast.<br />
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I'm not sure if I sewed anything to completion last year.<br />
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I knitted almost one whole dish cloth. It has been going since last february, and isn't finished yet. It is less than 5" by 5".<br />
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I cooked a lot, but only because if I don't, we have no dinner.<br />
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I did finish one piece of embroidery.<br />
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I also did a few little paintings. But not til after I was medicated again.<br />
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I spent a lot of time feeling scared, and lonely, and angry, and alone. I hated my children. I hated my husband. I didn't want to see my friends. I didn't go to church for half the year. I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch hating myself, but being afraid to ask a doctor to fix it all.<br />
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And then, for a brief time, the medication that has always brought me relief before was my enemy, and I was very close to going insane. It is not a fun feeling. I don't recommend it. Thankfully, the new medication has no such nasty side effects.<br />
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The urge to create has come back to me. I want to sew. I want to embroider. I want to knit. I want to paint.<br />
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I want to write.<br />
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So I'm starting the blog afresh. Clean slate, no memories or expectations.<br />
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There might be sewing. There might be knitting. There might be painting, or cooking, or embroidery, or children, or random thoughts. There will probably be talk of depression.<br />
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I can't promise a lack of irrelevant pictures, either.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kp3n6RukGjZRIwpxAQwyhU3YL4gt_rDQDq4REjxdx9A08yP4WUW6qvoLo_3Y7j_1J6FKKsAgj5lJ0-F-OATaIDnzXKzoHHHVxZB6C44sS4WomQAxsy8irzYNTIh736WnFSBzLUsLZYex/s1600/SAM_1063.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kp3n6RukGjZRIwpxAQwyhU3YL4gt_rDQDq4REjxdx9A08yP4WUW6qvoLo_3Y7j_1J6FKKsAgj5lJ0-F-OATaIDnzXKzoHHHVxZB6C44sS4WomQAxsy8irzYNTIh736WnFSBzLUsLZYex/s1600/SAM_1063.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pug investigating a blue tongue. There was a lot of barking that day.</td></tr>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03589211988263088628noreply@blogger.com0